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Julie, the NILMDTS photographer, gave me a sneak peek of the pictures she got of Tristan. I will be sharing them after Neil has had a chance to see, but they are spectacular. I stared at each image for ages today trying to recall his baby scent and the silkiness of his hair under my chin, and the feeling I had when Neil brought him to me around the surgical curtain and held his cheek to mine. I just kept begging, whispering to him, “Please stay- just as long as you can. Please, stay!” But how do you convince an angel to stay in this dreary world? Even so, he did.

Tristan Pro 9

Daddy's boy

So many memories in one day and they all keep fading, more each day. But those pictures have brought those memories back to me on a day I really needed it.

I think I am doing well in some ways. I get out of bed each morning, I go for days without crying and I think in general I am handling things well. But in a separate compartment of my life, my heart is broken. Shattered, actually. A new heart-angel friend said it so well; That out of the millions of pieces of her broken heart, she was being built a new and stronger one. But it’s such a painful process.

I am not worried about Tristan at all. I know he’s perfectly ok. He’s probably watching me with a “tsk, tsk, tsk… if only i could show you the whole picture,” on his face. But my heart aches for the moments I should be having with him now; the middle of the night feedings, the excitement to take him out to church and in public, waiting for the night he would finally sleep all the way through, the trip to Kiddie Kandids to get his first pictures done, reminding McKenna not to try and pick him up, and keeping Adele from poking him in the eyes!…Just holding him.

Tristan Pro 4

Welcome to our family, Tristan

I thought I would share a poem I wrote for Tristan shortly after we were given our options and asked to consider them. It’s very rough and flawed, but I don’t want to edit it because the way I feel now would change it because its different from how I felt then. And I want to keep that. So for Tristan,

 

The Choice

What would you pay

For one single day;

To feel the warmth of sunlight,

As it’s washed from your face

Tristan Pro 8

Mommy's angel

By late Autumn breeze laced with frosty bite?

What would you give,

For one moment to live;

To be held in a tearful embrace,

As your heart blazes warm, overflows with pure love,

As it reflects golden in my face?

How much is it worth,

Your foot on this Earth;

To run, to jump, to dance, to play,

Chasing fireflies o’er grassy hills

As pink skies retire Sun another day?

Is there pain too much, a price too high

Tristan Pro 7

"we said hello, and at the same time said goodbye"

For the chance to see tomorrow’s dawn sky;

When you  long to return Home above,

Leaving our loving hands

For the arms of Jesus’ love?

– By Arae Wyatt 2009

Happy One Month memories to Tristan today. We love and miss you dearly.

Our beautiful Angel

Tristan and the puppy McKenna picked for him -photos by Julie Williams, NILMDTS

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So we are nearing the end of our month of attempt at making this pregnancy as routine and enjoyable as possible. I cannot believe we only have 2 weeks left. This month has been nice as we have tried to make everything as “normal” as possible.

Our collection of Tristan-memorabilia!

Our collection of Tristan-memorabilia!

Neil has finished Tristan’s quilt, with much thanks to Melissa, our sister in law, for the loaning of her amazing sewing talents. It’s very sweet and I am excited to see Tristan warm and cozied up in it. McKenna picked out her gift; a soft little blue puppy, since Adele and she both have puppies that are special to them. My aunt Lila and uncle Kelly sent us a beautiful receiving blanket, crocheted and with his name embroidered on it.  And we went to the state fair with one very specific purpose in mind; there is an oriental man that comes and does the Korean picture-letter signs. Adele and McKenna both have one of their names and we really wanted Tristan to have his own. But my favorite thing we have done, was maternity pictures.

I have to put a great big thank you out there to a caring stranger named Kristy. She bumped into this blog and offered her time to take some maternity photos.  I have always found this type of photography (of other pregnant women) beautiful, but never had the desire concentrate a photo shoot around my overly swollen belly, with my first 2 pregnancies. After reading “Waiting with Gabriel”, I felt a whole new way about it. I felt like if I were to do this for Tristan, the pictures would be more of him than of me; one more of the limited tangible proofs I could collect that would remind us that Tristan was with us.

Adele and the bunnies at the fair

Adele and the bunnies at the fair

So we went to Murray Park and did several shots of the girls and of Neil with “Tristan” (aka my huge tummy!) It was so fun and the girls did a great job of it. Then it was time for the one picture I had thought of and personally requested. Before I even knew if doing maternity photos would be an option, I thought I really wanted to get a picture with all the girl’s hands, and maybe Neil’s too, on “Tristan”. I knew there was no way we were going to be able to get that shot- not with Adele anyway! So then I thought, what if we painted our hands and left hand prints all over? Kristy loved the idea. So there we were in Murray park, painting the girl’s hands in bright primary colors and laying them on my bared stomach. It was very odd to be that exposed but I think these pictures will be my favorite! Then Neil had room for one of his huge hands so that covered the whole right side of me! Kristy then painted Tristan’s name across the top and I was a work of art! I am so excited to see those!

McKenna LOVING the ponies!

McKenna LOVING the ponies!

Anyway- again- thank you to Kristy (and her husband) for the time she took for that. It was such a great and fun experience where I think we all felt our worries about Tristan melt away for a time and we were just able to enjoy him.

Speaking of thank you’s, I have to keep saying, Neil and I are so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, service, concern, kind words, thoughts and prayers for our family. I am amazed at how responsive everyone has been to our needs at this time. I hope I have expressed to each kind act or word, my deepest gratitude. I am afraid that, in my preoccupation with all of the sorrow and sadness of coming events, I have not expressed enough gratitude or joy in the wonderful joys and comforts that people have offered.

It seems so inadequate, but sincerely, Thank you all!

Neil's flowers receiving an honorable mention- Not bad for his first entry!

Neil's flowers receiving an honorable mention- Not bad for his first entry!

Our Wyatt FamilyThis is our family. Life is never ordinary or boring. We are always faced with some new adventure, and they just keep getting bigger as we survive the previous obstacle.  I would like to say that this blog will be witty and fun and give you a great laugh. Sometimes it will, but right now I write as an update to our newest challenge in which laughter is hard to come by.

But before I go into the heavy stuff, let me introduce the Wyatt family; Neil and I were married 6 years ago and we are so happy together. I really think we have the best marriage, at this point, of any one I know. Neil is a surgical tech for a dermatologist and I have been able to stay home with our 2 girls since I had our 2nd. I was a CNA and I loved my work on the neurotrauma unit at Primary Children’s Hospital, but love to be home with McKenna and Adele more.

Despite our interests in medicine, our passions lie in the arts. Neil is a great vocalist and sings tenor in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Currently he is preparing for auditions with the Metropolitan Opera. I paint and draw and have done a couple of children’s bedroom murals, of which I am pretty proud. I would love to write and illustrate children’s books someday.

McKenna is our precoscious 4 year old. She is smart gorgeous and sassy and headstrong. She can be very helpful with her little sister… when she is not determined to make Adele scream. Adele is 14 months old. She is a clown and loves to do anything to make you laugh. She has been a fresh breath to our lives. And then there is Tristan. He is our son, expected in October in bittersweet anticipation. He was a surprise, but one we welcome with open arms- if only for a few short moments of our lengthy lives. You see, Tristan has a severe heart defect, in which hope of treatment is dwindling. With each appointment, and new info, the prognosis becomes dimmer. But I will explain more in my next entry. This is the reason I started this blog.